Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year (you have 3.5 hours left, come on!) I’d like the ability to stay awake for more than 4 hours at a stretch, to stand up without feeling like I’m about to pass out, and to breathe normally. And, since I’ve been a particularly good girl this year, could you throw in a normally-functioning, workable brain, too? (I think the batteries on my old one are starting to die.) Pleez? Pretty pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez?

I promise I’ll be extra good.

Sincerely,
Bri